Guilt and dumb

If I were to say to my daughter, I suffered in labour with you for 18 hours, she'd roll her eyes and say "Mother, mother, mother, I don't do guilt trips."

Usually I don't feel unnecessarily guilty about things, unless I deserve it by doing something really dumb, but this is a day I feel guilty for something not my fault.

I am in my nest. It looks like it will be a beautiful day. My daughter is with me, which in different times past and most like many times in the future, is a luxury. Who knows when she finds a job and how much time we will be able to spend together. Without apology I'm "guilty" of liking my kid and have no intention of stopping. Liking is a bonus on top of loving.

The weather looks like it will be beautiful. My daughter and I are treating ourselves to lunch at Barteveille, my favourite restaurant run by a lovely, lovely couple. Atmosphere, delicious food at reasonable prices and a friendliness that matches being at home--what more could I ask for.

However, today a woman I care about deeply is having surgery, a variation on mine two years ago, and similar to one she underwent 15 years ago. Although everything looks like it will be successful I am deeply sorry that she is going through it. I don't like my friends to be in anything but wonderful situations. And as good as HUG is as a hospital, I want her to be at her computer, eating at Marro, or watching a DVD and laughing.

A family member of choice is with her real family, also people I care deeply about who have taken me in and shown me incredible warmth.

They are all in a war zone. I don't like people I love being in places where they can be bombed, shot or arrested with no solution anywhere in sight.

So what does that have to do with guilt?

A lot?

I don't want to change places with them, and I know if I'm having a miserable time it will do nothing for their situations. They are doing what they have to do. And I know it isn't reasonable that I can change anything for them so guilt at being helpless is dumb.

Maybe dumb and guilt go together. Maybe it is the price of caring.