Married Women's Names

In reading Book 3 of Blanche Weissen's Cooke's biography of Eleanor Roosevelt's I stopped to read a paragraph to husband Rick. Often early morning in bed, we share bits from whatever catches our interest.

A journalist 's daughter said her mother was often annoyed when she had a message from Mrs. R, even when it was in her handwriting because it was addressed to Mrs. Herbert Little. She was a journalist under her own name and if not a friend of Mrs. R. at least a respected acquaintance, who was renown under her maiden name. She said Mrs. Herbert Little didn't exist.

What a woman's married name should be was a feminist issue in the 60s and 70s.

I kept my first husband's name after the divorce It wasn't related to feminism, although I was a card carrying member of NOW and would spend many a lunch hour at the Massachusetts State House down the street from my office when there was an issue I cared about.

I kept Nelson for many reasons in order:

• Alliteration: Five n's and two l's sounded better than Donna-Lane Boudreau.
• I wanted my name to match my daughter's because it would be easier when it came to paperwork.
• Laziness: facing paperwork changes especially having to deal with the Massachusetts Department of Motor Vehicles, a nightmare at the best of times.
• My mother's disparaging of my French maiden name, although in retrospect living in francophone countries the last 35 years, it might have been easier.

When I married in my 70s in Switzerland, my husband and I could select our own last name. The choices were:

• Nelson-Adams
• Adams-Nelson 
• Nelson him or me for both
• Adams him or me for both
• Something different entirely 

We decided to keep our own names. I can't imagine him as Mr. Donna-Lane Nelson.

The next question astounded us. "What name will your children have?"

Er, we are wrinklies. Because we were in our seventies, the chances of pregnancy or even adoption were remote.

However, the box had to be checked. It came in handy when we registered our rescue pup who is now Sherlock Adams-Nelson.

I'm Donna-Lane Boudreau on certain French documents. Women can use their husband's name during marriage, but their maiden name stays with them. The Nelson is appended.

I'm Mrs. Adams to our vet. I was Mrs. Richard Adams to my late mother-in-law. I have no idea why and it's not important.

Our last name means diddly-squat to our personal relationship. We love each other. We share the good and bad that normal life provides. We are friends. Dog parents. We edit each other's work. We share entertainment. We share household chores. 

Neither of us would refuse to empty the dishwasher because of our last name. At the same time, we each have our own identity in the world that neither of us wants to lose.