Rage

 

I have only felt unbridled rage three times in my life.

That doesn't mean I haven't felt annoyance, frustration and anger, but rage was limited to three times, the most recent last week. I don't like that feeling.

The first time was 1990 when I received a survey from my university asking what I was thinking and feeling when I graduated. I remembered how my ex-husband had put every possible barrier in my way, including barely speaking to me for a semester, making it difficult to study and insisting I bring in a salary. I remembered grovelling with administration for more time each semester to make tuition payments evennvwhen they were only $400.

My colleague, who shared the company flatvwith me in 1990, came in and asked why I was shaking and crying.

The entire situation could have been so different. I'd left college to accompany my ex overseas while he was in the U.S. Army. I loved Germany. He hated it, but I did every thing possible to make him comfortable despite limited resources.

The second time was when he told me he loved someone else. I had just given birth to our daughter. I remember hitting him and hitting him, which shocked both of us.

The third time I felt the physical rage was this past week. My second husband, a friend and I were in Manora's café for our weekly free write, a happy time.

A woman walked by with a Maga hat saying make, "America Great Again." Remember this is Switzerland, not the U.S.

My husband and I had watched in shock as our birth country had elected a conman, a convicted felon, a man who endangered the country with his illegal and careless handling of classified documents, who cheated in business, lied over 30,000 times according to the Washington Post, thought it okay to grab women by the "pussy," a proven rapist and who tried to overthrow the election This was a man when he spoke often made no sense at all. Living overseas, we saw how often his behavior was embarrassing in dealing with other leaders to often being a joke.

Although we no longer live in the U.S., we followed the news closely, read in detail the books about U.S.'s history, politics and economics both good and bad. We still cared -- deeply.

We were in Portugal at a conference 5 Nov. The reaction of other Americans there was also shock. Many reported crying as I had. One woman said she had been physically sick.

My husband and I decided for our own sanity we needed to do a News Detox or at least for the U.S. We still were interested in what was happening in other countries. We eliminated many feeds on the internet, gave up American news channels although we still watched English, French, Middle Eastern and Swiss news. 

My reaction to that woman was rage much like my reaction to my university survey in 1990. I wanted to scream at her that she was helping in the destruction of my birth country. 

I didn't.

Later my husband said he resisted asking if she were American, and if she said yes, he would have said, "I'm so sorry."

As part of News Detox, I know I can do nothing. Rage at the destruction of my birth country only raises my blood pressure. 

I don't like me when I succumb to rage.