A Different Response

 

Escalation between two people doesn't take much for myriad reasons for it to escalate to varying degrees of unpleasantness. 

I've often tried a different approach, which mostly works, and if nothing else shocks the other person into silence. Here are two of my examples.

Example No 1 

I was buying a train ticket from Argelès France to Geneva Switzerland. Je souhaite acheter un billet de train pour le premier train pour Genève mecredi. I know my accent is underwonderful, but the location, day of the week, and that I was at a train ticket window in Argelès should have made it clear.

The man in the window more or less growled, "Je ne comprend pas." Among sighs, frowns and growls and groans, he had me repeat my request several times. Finally, he understood and gave me my ticket. I used my debit card rather than have to go through a discussion on price. 

I left and bought a chocolate lollipop and returned to the station. There was a short line, but I told the people that I didn't want to buy a ticket, but I needed to finish an earlier transaction, could I just go first. Everyone understood my French and agreed.

The frown on the ticket seller deepened when he saw me. I handed him the lollipop. "You are obviously having a bad day, and I wanted to make it better for you." I had a big smile.

I knew from the expression on the peoples' faces in line that my French was understandable. Before words could replace his spluttering, I left.

I have no idea how he reacted but I suspect nothing like that happened to him before.

Example No. 2

At the end of a long, hot day I raced for the bus home. As I was about to get on the door closed. The bus couldn't leave because of a red light. Finally he opened the door. 

The driver yelled at me, but I wasn't sure what he said.

I looked at him and said in English then French, "Do you know you have the most beautiful blue eyes?" I gave him my biggest smile. Then I sang a few lines of, "Happy Days Are Here Again" as I walked to the middle of the bus enjoying the smiles of the passengers. 

The light changed to green. The driver moved. At my stop as I got off I wished him a wonderful evening in both French and English.

I believe, when met with unpleasantness, refusing to play the part the disagreeable person has assigned me, often disrails the process.  

I know such a response isn't always possible. When the customer service woman on the phone at UPS kept telling me the driver had many times tried to deliver my package, I screamed. "We were home all those times. The driver's is reporting a lie." Days of on-line chasing the package around southern France, made me lose my temper. I apologized telling her it wasn't her fault she could only go by what she was reading what the driver had reported on line. 

Lowering the temperature of an unpleasant encounter serves two purposes.

1. The opponent calms down
2. I get less upset 

 The second reason is more important.